and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I stole a fireplace last night.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
