Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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