i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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