I just threw up on my dentist
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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