Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
