my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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