Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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