I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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