So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...