i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
