I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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