Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She bit a glass in half.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
