Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
