i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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