well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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