Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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