Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
i think my cat just said my name.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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