You don't have asthma, your pregnant
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
