why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
