Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
