Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
whose ass print is on the piano?
I didn't notice because vodka
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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