I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
zippers are such a cool invention
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
