I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
a search helicopter?!
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
