I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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