my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
