Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
