Please, let me fuck your mom
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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