So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
