you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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