I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
