So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
