at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
