I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
