I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
