I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
