so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
