OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
