Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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