you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
