Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
