Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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