Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
