in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
