The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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