I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
