Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
