oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
