There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize
