shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
