Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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