we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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