return my video game
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
