he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
