Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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