I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
it's like iHOP with fire
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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