I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
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