and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We had to coat check the pizza.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
